What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 02:44
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
All the time i was locked up.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She loved him until the end.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She married twice! .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As a guy, how do you know you if you are considered attractive?
I said to her
This is soul school!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
It was going to be , some day.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was scared of men, in general
I will be 64.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I write beautiful poetry .
But, we were locked up after school.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He resisted the act ,that day.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He knew the spot.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Who then, do I blame.?
But it wasn’t much.
Put me off passion for life!!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
What did i know ?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I have no regrets .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My family never makes their pension either.
I was 9 years of age.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We all went to grammer schools
As i do to all so called friends.?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Would this be the day?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So whats the point in blame.
She was in good health!
One cannot live in the past .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I think the readers, may guess!
Im still living with it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I don,t even have a pension.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So, i spoilt her more .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Ive learnt so much.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I waited trembling.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I could never make a relationship work though!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We were not on the streets..
I was seconnd youngest,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She wouldn,t have been !
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She found it foreign!.
My life is so biszare .
When she asked me how she looked .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And i lived it daily.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Comes on , in middle age.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was very sick at this time too.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?